Bushells Tea etiquette guide

Stephen Curry and Bushells Australian Etiquette Guide (minus the hoity toity)
Our Tea, Our Way

* In the Mother Land, tea is traditionally served in the ‘good room’. But in Australia, the good room is any room that has all four walls and a ceiling. If it doesn’t have these elements, be honest, it’s just your backyard. Stop calling it a room.

* When entertaining, the selection of the appropriate receptacle depends on the company invited. Matching cups and saucers for visiting dignitaries only. For close friends, whatever mugs are at the front of the cupboard will do. Feel free to pour hot tea directly into the cupped hands of door-to-door salesmen.

* If serving biscuits, don’t try passing off the crap ones that no-one ever chooses. No-one will think big of you and they certainly won’t fall for it. They’ll just think you are cheap and show you the door to your own house. With biscuits it’s a simple formula: No Cream – No Point.

* The only implement to be used for the purpose of stirrage is a teaspoon. Or fork. Or a bread and butter knife. If they aren’t available then a steak knife will do. Or a whisk. In fact, bugger it. We live in Australia. You can use whatever you want and be comfortable knowing that no one will eject you from the room if it touches the side of the mug.

* When dunking biscuits, it is advisable to remove the biscuit before it disintegrates. Crumbs left in the mug will upset the balance of the tea. And trying to fish out crumbs from hot tea may result in injury that we are in no way liable for.  Lawsuits are un-Australian anyway.

* Tea is the best way to find out more about your new neighbours. While they’re at your house drinking tea, have someone go through all their stuff to find out if they have anything worth borrowing. It is polite to wait at least one week before asking them for anything.

* Don’t let the name fool you. Bushells Australian Breakfast tea tastes just as good at lunch and dinner. Note: Real Australians don’t serve ‘high tea’ but Australian Breakfast tea is the perfect  ‘Thanks for helping me move’ Tea, ‘Congrats on the promotion’ Tea, ‘Nice job putting up the shelves’ Tea and ‘He wasn’t the right man for you’ Tea.

* Before you leave, say thanks (no matter how bad the biscuits are) and invite them over to your house for tea next time. N.B.: Serving an inferior tea will make you a social pariah. There will be no need to check your inbox for further invitations. Then again, seeing as you are already a social pariah, you’ve no need for an invitation anyway. Just pop on over and while there, why not borrow something? That way you have an excuse to come back for more tea.

* One should never discuss one’s financial situation or answer one’s phone by saying ‘YYYYYYYYELLO??’ or ‘SPEAK’ when one is drinking Australian Breakfast tea. And one should never refer to oneself using ‘one’ as a substitute for the pronoun ‘I’.

* If you’re on a date and you invite the lucky person up for tea, you’d better mean tea. There’s a well-known story of an eager young man who bounded up the stairs when his date invited him up for tea. It turned out that wasn’t what she meant at all. She wanted to have sex. You can imagine his disappointment.

Special Note:

When ordering tea in a pub, proceed with trepidation. It is generally acceptable, but only before your mates arrive. If they arrive while you are getting served your tea, a curt ‘That’s not what I ordered’ to the bartender will save face. N.B.: Never let the tea go to waste. When your friends sit down, pretend to go to the bathroom and while you’re up, run to the bar and savour the taste of Bushells Australian Breakfast tea.